Masonic Jokes

[jason]

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"...

 

[jason]

A small Lodge had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."

 

[jason]

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

 

[jason]

How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to read the minutes from the previous changing, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't how they used to change bulbs in his day.

 

[jason]

It was a great tragedy when the Lodge burned to the ground. The brothers were having a new lodge built, but in the interim, they had no place to go for regular meetings or degree work. One of the brothers owned a hotel and figured they could use the conference room in his hotel for their meetings. They agreed and met there regularly. Four months pass and a traveling salesman is passing through town and decides to stay at the hotel. As luck would have it, he was checking in on one of the lodge meeting nights. He spied the men in white aprons filing into the conference room and asked the deskclerk, "I say, are those freemasons?" The clerk replied that they were and explained about the lodge burning down and the subsequent use of the hotel for meetings. "Well, said the salesman, "I've been thinking about joining. Do you think it's hard to do so?" The clerk shrugged, "I'd say it's pretty tough. You see that guy standing by the door with a sword? Well, he's been knocking on that door for four months now and they still won't let him in."

 

[jason]

Bob and Bill were brother masons and great friends for most of their lives. They had always maintained that when one of them passed on to that Grand Lodge above, he would attempt to make contact with the other and tell him all about what heaven was like. As it happened, Bill went first. One night Bob is just drifting off to sleep when he hears Bill's voice calling to him.
"Is that you, Bill?
"Yes, Bob. I am honoring our agreement."
"Oh, my, what's it like," Bob asked with some anticipation.
"It's like nothing you could ever imagine. The lodge here is fantastic, better than any lodge we ever saw on Earth. The meetings are always well attended, the ritual is letter perfect, the friendship nights always have tons of new people just itching to join, and the spirit of fellowship blankets the place."
Bob's eyes tear up. "Oh, my, it's just like we'd hoped. I'm so happy for you. But I have to ask, during all of that, you didn't really seem all that excited. What's wrong?"
"Well, I do have some good news and some bad. The good is that we're raising a fellow to the third degree next Wednesday."
"That's fantastic. What's the bad news?"
"You've been marked down to be the Senior Deacon."

 

[jason]

A man convicted of murder is about to be executed. He stands in front of the electric chair and stares down at what will end his life. The state executioner asks him if he has any last words. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Yes, I hate all Masons."
The state's executioner wasn't expecting something so simple and just has to ask, "Why do you hate all Masons?"
"Well, the man I killed was a Mason. The sheriff who arrested me was a Mason. The prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason. The jury who convicted me and sentenced me to die were all Masons. And the judge who passed the sentence was a Mason."
The state executioner nods. "That's a good enough reason, I guess. Are you finished?"
"I am."
The executioner gestures, "Then advance one step with your left foot..."

 

[jason]

A new member is getting phone calls several times a week to show up for various activities, weed pulling, painting, community awareness, ritual practice, etc. He is always there when they need him.

His wife finally says to him, "ever since you joined that lodge you go running every time the Master calls; I wish I was a Master".

Then man thinks for a moment and then tells her, "So do I; we get a new one every year".

 

[Bob Franks]

Q: How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: CHANGE??! You want to CHANGE something?

 

[Duncan1574]

Bob and Bill were brother masons and great friends for most of their lives. They had always maintained that when one of them passed on to that Grand Lodge above, he would attempt to make contact with the other and tell him all about what heaven was like. As it happened, Bill went first. One night Bob is just drifting off to sleep when he hears Bill's voice calling to him.
"Is that you, Bill?
"Yes, Bob. I am honoring our agreement."
"Oh, my, what's it like," Bob asked with some anticipation.
"It's like nothing you could ever imagine. The lodge here is fantastic, better than any lodge we ever saw on Earth. The meetings are always well attended, the ritual is letter perfect, the friendship nights always have tons of new people just itching to join, and the spirit of fellowship blankets the place."
Bob's eyes tear up. "Oh, my, it's just like we'd hoped. I'm so happy for you. But I have to ask, during all of that, you didn't really seem all that excited. What's wrong?"
"Well, I do have some good news and some bad. The good is that we're raising a fellow to the third degree next Wednesday."
"That's fantastic. What's the bad news?"
"You've been marked down to be the Senior Deacon."

That is FUNNY! What is worst I get it
My Brother from work was just installed as SD for my Lodge.

 

[Azpir8king]

A man convicted of murder is about to be executed. He stands in front of the electric chair and stares down at what will end his life. The state executioner asks him if he has any last words. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Yes, I hate all Masons."
The state's executioner wasn't expecting something so simple and just has to ask, "Why do you hate all Masons?"
"Well, the man I killed was a Mason. The sheriff who arrested me was a Mason. The prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason. The jury who convicted me and sentenced me to die were all Masons. And the judge who passed the sentence was a Mason."
The state executioner nods. "That's a good enough reason, I guess. Are you finished?"
"I am."
The executioner gestures, "Then advance one step with your left foot..."

That one made me laugh out loud.

 

[berthemp]

I had to laugh out loud at that one as well. People at work think I am crazier than usual.

 

[Bropreston]

knock knock
"who`s there"
"candy"
"candy who?"
"candy date for freemasonry"

 

[Duncan1574]

knock knock
"who`s there"
"candy"
"candy who?"
"candy date for freemasonry"

G r o a n !

 

[Bropreston]

G r o a n !

sorry I couldn`t help myself! how about this one?.........A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She) Well how′d it go?
He) Very well - most interestin
She) What did go on?
He) I′m not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me?
He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do - if you can tell me?
He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
She) And the Holy men? What of them?
He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

 

[removed12612]

knock knock
"who`s there"
"candy"
"candy who?"
"candy date for freemasonry"

Shouldnt there be one more knock???....LOL....

I will have to tell that one to our new candy-dates tonight.... we have a double EA tonight.....

 

[DavisB]

Shouldnt there be one more knock???....LOL.....

Alright that one got me! Very funny!

 

[Casey]

Once upon a time, a traveling Brother ended up in a small town with a few days to kill. Lacking anything to do, he got the itch for a Lodge meeting, and looking on a map, saw a "Masons Road" listed, running to the top of a hill.

Walking up the hill, warrant in hand, he was gratified to see that it was just as he thought- a beautiful old Lodge, all done in fine marble, but oddly rundown. The grass was uncut, and a small tree was growing in the sidewalk.

Knocking on the front door, he was greeted with total silence. Perhaps they're in a meeting, he thought. Trying the lock, it creaked open, and he walked in, calling out for the Tyler, when he saw the Tyler sitting there. At least, he saw what was left of the Tyler- a skeleton in a black suit and Apron, sword in hand.

Horrified by this, our distressed Brother knocked on the Lodge room door, and casting propriety to the wind let himself in. The sight was almost too frightening to be real- skeletons everywhere. All of the officers, the sidelines, even a candidate kneeling at the altar, all dead and had been for some time.

Edging to the East, he noticed a small slip of paper in the hands of a skeleton on the sidelines. Easing it out, he read...

"If nobody prompts the Master, we're never going to get out of here!"

 

[johnj1582]

i always liked this one...

After Lodge late one night, a brother was speeding to get home, and was pulled over by an officer. The officer approached the driver and asked why he was in such a hurry. "Well, officer, I'm running late for a lecture on Freemasonry," said the driver. "Where on earth can you hear a lecture on Freemasonry at 2:45 AM?!" asked the officer...

"from my wife"


or this one...

a brother was speeding his way home (again!) and was pulled over. The officer came to the window and asked "where's the fire?" The driver said, "I'm sorry officer, I know I was speeding. You see, we had a long meeting at the lodge tonight, with 2 MM degrees and a full festive board. If I'm not home soon my wife will just KILL me!"

The officer said, "Well, I didn't realize you were a Mason!" and they talked about lodge for a few minutes. "So, I'm free to go?" asked the driver. "Yes, brother you're free to go," said the officer, "with the exception of the charge, to which I now draw your attention."